Sometimes we need to look for the exit. It’s a fact of life. Too much has changed; we’ve “grown apart” or, perhaps more likely, it just wasn’t right in the first place and it’s time to face reality. For one reason or another, some marriages, instead of enriching our soul, somehow drain us of our vitality, try as we may to improve them.

More often than some might imagine, people get married even when they have doubts, like they were on a train they somehow couldn’t get off. I for one have done it and I’ve been round the rest of the block too.

So what can we do to make the best of it?

Well, there is a big difference between a divorce that scars all involved and saddens everyone else, and one where somehow the parties are released to be the best they can be in new circumstances and everyone can see it was the right decision, handled in the best way possible.

Separation and divorce is without doubt one of the toughest things in life to deal with, though it can also sometimes be a relief. Much depends of course on whether it’s mutual, or just one partner wants out, which can be particularly sore for the other, much like a bereavement. It was like that in my case. I did the leaving. She was inconsolable. In fact, my ex-wife landed on her feet more quickly than I did and later said I was right it wasn’t working.

For some couples, it’s a clear-cut thing. For whatever reason, it’s over. For others, it’s much more nuanced. Can they afford to get divorced? What about all the practical implications? What about the children? How will they be provided for? In a family situation, for many the reality is it’s about the best compromise all round.

Sometime it’s only when you walk right to the edge you realize the true cost of splitting up and it might be time to reconsider.

Assuming minds are made up, here are some ways to make it easier on your partner, your children, and yourself...

1. In a divorce, there is a lot of fear around. What specifically are the fears—your own, your partner’s and your children’s especially, other family members, friends even? Talk about them. Look to allay them as much as possible. Sometimes the fears of the wider family are as hard to deal with as those of the directly involved.
2. As well as fear, in many cases there will be anger, maybe a lot of it, especially perhaps at a third party getting involved with such apparently uncaring intent—actually just another human being trying to make their way in life. They probably do care. Let the anger vent.
3. You’ll need to talk, talk and talk. Much more than you probably expect. It’ll take time.
4. Remember you and your partner will see things differently, and you may be surprised just how differently, based on what you think are the same facts. In the heat of the situation, words get twisted. See past the words to what really matters.
5. In what may be anguish, people say things they don’t really mean. Forgive them. You’re probably doing it to.
6. It’s sometimes said people shouldn’t take their personal problems to work, and that would be handy. However, that’s really a nonsense idea, because the need to belong is so fundamental to our basic make-up. If we mess with our relationships, our effectiveness at other things is likely to take a dive. Plan accordingly.
7. Get as clear as you can about what you both want life to be like when things settle down—what the best possible future looks like. Connect in your minds with that future state as much as you can. See it. Feel it. Hear it. The more you can hold onto that experience, the more it will help you move through the upset of the present.
8. If you have children, sort out what’s going to happen with your partner before involving the young ones. Then be clear about how it is going to work for them. Children are adaptable and will probably adjust more easily than you will, but take care.
9. You’re likely to come to terms with what’s happening before the people around you. Be ready to handle what will seem like delayed reactions from them. You may be past the worst just at the point where the implications dawn on them and their emotions come to the surface.
10. And finally, forgive yourself for it not working out. The well-versed in human understanding will often remark that everyone is doing their best, however it might seem. That goes for you too. And you are having the courage to deal with the situation in the best ever way you can.

Someone once said to me that when a relationship “ends”, it doesn’t really end, it just continues in another form. If you believe we’re all just part of one energy, that will make perfect sense to you. I have found that to be an incredibly helpful thought, both with parents that have passed, and the ex-partner I am in touch with but rarely see. You don’t have to be with people to be connected to them.

Stay focused on a best ever future and be kind.